The Sailor's Tale Chaucer (Reading Version)

A merchant he was, all riches and swag,
And a wife, she wasn’t no ugly hag.
No, she was pretty, a pretty little thing,
Only thing she wanted was a little more bling.
So she went to his cousin, a monk they say
But his name Don John was a giveaway.
He’s trouble I know, he’s trouble you’ll see,
When the merchant’s away they’re going to part-ee.
Don John meets the lady in the garden one day
Says you look unhappy, whatcha gots ta say?
I can’t tell you cuzzin, you are famil-ee
He tells her I’m no more family than that yonder tree.
She unloads on the monk all of her woes
How her hubby ignores her, and off he goes
To buy more merch and dice to sell
Why she’d kill herself out of pity if there wasn’t no hell
Now my pretty, don’t cry, the monk replies
Come, let me dry those big blue eyes
So they nuzzled and petted and maybe said some things
Til she whispered I could use me a little more bling
An even hundred would do it, would put me in style
And if you had the silver I’d make it worth your while
He says why sure my lady a c-note ain’t nothin’ to me
If it makes you smile, if it makes you happ-ee
So he sees the merchant the very next day
And says cousin my cousin can you front me some hay
I gots ta buy some horses, some cows and sheep
For the abbey you know, they likes ta pile it deep
Why sure says the merchant what’s mine is yours never fear
And while I’m gone stay and drink of my beer.
You can eat of my good, you can break my bread
But here’s a word of warning, stay outta my bed.
So the merchant leaves town the very next day,
And the monk and the lady commence to play.
Three days of swivin’, three days in the hay,
Thanks for the hun I heard her say.
When the merchant returns he looks for his bro
He says cousin I’m broke I need that hundred you know
Don John looks 'im in the eyeballs and smiles a big smile
Says I gave your lady the money ta tide her over a while.
Hmmmm says the merchant I wasn’t countin' on that
I may be canny, do I smell a rat?
His lady says I bought this fancy, do you like it on me?
The merchant says I like it so much I’ve got a wood-ee
She says well there now my lord, I’ll give you a tumble,
We’ll wiggle the bed, we will make it rumble.
So she showed her husband all that he was missin’
And for two more nights they were huggin’ and kissin’
Til he told her honey say goodbye to your friend
You can keep the money just don’t do it again.